13.5.2025
08:30
I am a severe nihilist. I don't want to be, but It's a part of my nature. I cannot really do anything about it. I often ask people how they live with themselves, because I cannot live with my own life. It's this existential suicidalness that persists in my mind. It is not simply a desire to die, it is the absolute need to be rended wholly into nothingness, so that none may need to suffer my presence, or even the thought of me. I can't live with the concept of me; I can only hold off the motivation to end it all. My therapists and psychiatrists tell me that I will eventually find the will to live, but do I believe them? I don't know.
It's impossible to imagine a future where I am not like this. It's impossible to imagine a future where I am happy with the mediochrity that is life, and existence itself. Without dysphoria clouding my mind, this existential torment is all the clearer.
My question is, how isn't everyone suicidal?
Happy graduation to me.