05.01.2025
I am an individual who is mentally excommunicated from wider society.
My state of mind is far beyond what is considered "normal" by "normal" people.
Dissociation is a common state of mind for myself, and when that is not
so, I am a deeply depressed person. My real self is someone
people do not like being around. My mental faculties border
on misanthropic. I am volatile, and people who get to know
my deepest parts are those who are hurt most by me. My neurodivergency
adds to this in the fact that sometimes I am conveying on an entirely
different frequency to another person, to which they simply react with
near total confusion. All of these total to the "paracogito": that
my mind is so alien, so radioactive, that it is separate from most
others in almost its entirety. In a way the internet has alleviated
the crippling isolation that comes with this. I have found others that
experience very similar things, and it is through the internet that I learned
of Nekojiru, an artist who I deeply relate to. But a depressing reality is
that so many people that I have related to were people who led miserable
lives. Some, like Nekojiru, decided to end it early, for the suffering proved
too great. I consider that same option sometimes. I understand that I will likely
carry this weight throughout my entire life. I often consider the ultimate
choice. This lifetime of torture seems too painful for someone such as I to bear.