Yaldabaoth

Do You Believe in a Cruel God?

14.12.2024

In early christian theology there was a specific sect of christian mystics that called themselves "Gnostics". Paraphrasing their beliefs, they believed the God depicted in the Bible (particularly pointing to the Old Testament) was actually a cruel, petty, imperfect being, which sought pleasure in human suffering. The Gnostics believed, in fact, that Adam and Eve were correct in eating from the Garden of Eden, for they learned the true nature of their overlord, the demiurge. Also known as Yaldabaoth.

For much of my childhood, I was a Gnostic, even if I didn't even know what gnosticism was. I was raised by strict parents when it came to christian doctrine, and I distinctly remember being pulled aside and being told I was tempting hell by saying such phrases as "I'll be damned" or "Speak of the Devil". Additionally, such things as Dungeons and Dragons and Harry Potter were not outright banned, but were very much frowned upon at least by my mother. The church my family was a part of was really not much of a church. It was much more like a prayer group of some kind. However, the teachings of this church and therefore the information passed down to me was that God was always watching, waiting for you to make a mistake, and demanding you apologise personally to him for essentially existing. After all, it is impossible for you to not sin. For a brief window I was a good little christian boy. But when things became truly horrid in my life, after a series of medical issues made existence a hellscape, I internalized Yaldabaoth. Each week I would be put in the centre of a prayer group, each week they would pray for all my problems to be solved, and then forget about me. I would be tossed to the side once my 15 seconds of attention I didn't even want were up. I would begin praying to myself, to only be met with the suffocating silence of nothing. I started to believe I was being punished for something--that I was being watched, but my prayers were not being answered because God was enacting his "justice" upon me. I felt like I was being watched, but not by a kind, gentle being. Instead, I was being watched by a cruel God. Watching my every move. As it is said, God is everywhere. For some people that fact might be comforting, but for me, it is horrifying.

My time at church was when everything felt most unholy. The highlight moment was when I was desperate to be like everyone else, desperate to be baptised. Our congregation went to a nearby creek and us children each stood in line to have ourselves bathed in the (very much not clean) waters. I was last, and I effectively lied to everyone in myself in saying that I believed in God and I wanted to be blessed by him (etc etc). When I finally was dunked, I felt as if I had invited a malignant entity into my being. I felt no relief as everyone applauded around me. I invited something that was just as the waters were: Filthy, all-encompasing, suffocating.

I do not know what I believe in, but I am still deeply drawn to the ideas of Gnosticism. I find myself almost believing that I am indeed living within the demiurge--an imperfect existence fashioned by an imperfect god. But I take solace in the simple fact that I am free. I no longer feel the burning gaze of Yaldabaoth upon my back every waking moment. Just don't pray for me.

You only invite Him to harm me.