Collapsing

29.1.2025.

23:37

Mental health massively declined over the past few days. It is said that the subconscious knows before the self does. It started when I began subconsciously reacting negatively to things again, starting to inch towards misanthropy. Now I am once more at war with myself, with seemingly all of my mental progress vanishing to the wind. I try to force myself into social situations in order to prevent this, but it only ends with me feeling sick.

I finally had the guts(?) to watch the documentary on Nekojiru's suicide. About three quarters of the way through, I began to cry uncontrollably. Even when her career was beginning to rise, even when her own creation began to be mainstream, it did not rescue her from despair. She died alone.

It is this loneliness that is so unstoppable. Even when surrounded by people, I never feel more alone. Any meaningful conversation is merely a brief reprieve from the pain that will inevitably return. I have this consistent thought that one day I will simply fall over and die, and nobody will even notice, or bother to even remember me.

I think, no matter what I do, I will be alone when I die. Just like her.